The cancer club may be the first club I've ever really belonged to. Back in 5th grade, my classmates and I would form clubs, but they were more about excluding the kids we hated than they were about loving each other. Most of the time, I'm introspective and socially awkward (ie. Terrified of people and their possible rejection). I'm not a joiner. My shy kids are not joiners.
But here we are, in a club so tightly wound around the lives of the other members, so intimately familiar with each other's most painful thoughts and experiences, that we are committed to a lifelong membership.
We are the Cancer Club. Specifically, it's the My Child Has/Had Cancer Club. I like to believe we're an elite breed, specifically chosen for our strength, resilience, and grace under pressure...Though we often feel clumsy and weak and sad...But we're good at propping each other up during those dark moments, and collectively, we stand strong as the oak in the meadow you visit every Spring...year, after year, after year...
Just like that, we will be here in the club, fighting for our kids, fighting for each other's kids, fighting for kids that don't know yet that they're headed our way. In more ways than we're cursed, we've been blessed. We've seen the worst work the devil can perform on little bodies and the brightest lights of heaven shine through our children, those who help us, and through each other.
While I would jump at the chance to throw my membership key out the window if it could erase Nick's cancer, I would miss the tender club friends I would leave behind, fighting on for their kids and each other....
Sent from my iPhone
Sunday, June 14, 2015
Wednesday, May 13, 2015
Teens v. Parents
As the school year winds down, summer plans are being made, and finals have tensions high, I've been talking to some parent friends who are worried about their teens' activities, fought with my own teens over messy rooms and attitude problems, and begun giving this whole teenage angst issue a lot of consideration.
If I could say one thing to the teens of this world and really have it stick with them, I would say "Understand that everything your parents say or do for you or to you comes from both a place of love and a place of fear. Parents love you so much that they want the absolute best for you...your happiest happy, your greatest love, your fondest dreams. Mostly though, parents want you to be able to survive and thrive on your own, without them. Parents greatest fear is that you won't have the tools and skills required to build an independent life on your own or worse, that you will throw your gifts away with dangerous behavior that compromises your quality of life or ends your life completely. When your parent nags, instructs, seems frustrated, and lectures you, it's not because they want to be mean or damage your relationship or ruin all your fun. It's because they are afraid your current path of behavior will ruin your chance of living your best life now and when they've passed, leaving you to make your own choices. Grant your parent the same grace and patience you beg for, and take responsibility for making your life ."
If I had understood the role of parents better as a child, I would have been a better child. I would have shown my parents a better me, so they could relax in the confidence that I would "be fine."
Good luck parents! Good luck teens!
Sent from my iPhone
If I could say one thing to the teens of this world and really have it stick with them, I would say "Understand that everything your parents say or do for you or to you comes from both a place of love and a place of fear. Parents love you so much that they want the absolute best for you...your happiest happy, your greatest love, your fondest dreams. Mostly though, parents want you to be able to survive and thrive on your own, without them. Parents greatest fear is that you won't have the tools and skills required to build an independent life on your own or worse, that you will throw your gifts away with dangerous behavior that compromises your quality of life or ends your life completely. When your parent nags, instructs, seems frustrated, and lectures you, it's not because they want to be mean or damage your relationship or ruin all your fun. It's because they are afraid your current path of behavior will ruin your chance of living your best life now and when they've passed, leaving you to make your own choices. Grant your parent the same grace and patience you beg for, and take responsibility for making your life ."
If I had understood the role of parents better as a child, I would have been a better child. I would have shown my parents a better me, so they could relax in the confidence that I would "be fine."
Good luck parents! Good luck teens!
Sent from my iPhone
Thursday, July 24, 2014
best gift ever
When people asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, I mentioned a couple things like a cool hat I saw online or a pair of new shoes. From the morning the sun peeked through the windows this morning to this moment as I fight to keep my heavy lids from closing before I'm done with this post, I have had a beautiful, special, noteworthy, loving birthday. The kids were thoughtful in their gift shopping and doting in their care for me all day and night. Mike arranged for a pizza dinner at home with family, and it was fun and funny, and it was, as Dylan said, "...an awesome party!"
The sweetest gift came last night though. I took several of the kids to a certain favorite trendy has everything you could ever want under one roof superstore, and we saw back to school clothes and supplies. Yes, it's July. Yes, it's early to think about going back to school, but we were there...and the store was quiet...and we had a couple bucks in the checking account this week...So we shopped for school. Nick got excited and picked out a big pile of jeans, and shorts, and tees, and we headed to the fitting room. A couple items were a tad too long or a little bigger than perfect for right now, but I said things like "You'll grow into that." and "It'll fit in a couple months." Grinning like he just won the lotto, Nick headed out of the dressing room and toward the checkout line feeling good about how he would look on his first day at his new middle school.
Then I realized...I realized that we went through that whole exercise without me thinking about keeping shopping to a minimum in case he was too sick to go to school, or worse, died soon. For over 3 years, the "what if he dies?" script has run through my head in every situation. He should spend his Journeys gift card now in case he dies before he can use it all up. We shouldn't buy more than one set of PE clothes in case he dies and obviously can't go to school anymore. We shouldn't buy too many expensive shoes in case he dies and doesn't get use of them all.
Even after treatment. Even after many "clean" MRI's, the script, the fears, the heartache...They flooded my head and my heart in almost every situation involving decisions about the future and how much to invest in Nick's.
Last night, we just shopped for the school year ahead of us. I didn't think about cancer or death or not having the chance to grow into those jeans. That moment of peace. What a gift. The best gift. I'm not naive, and I know the cancer could come back. I know this soul stillness...this glimpse of the old normal vs. the new normal we had to get used to during cancer treatment...could be fleeting. But for right now, I am celebrating both the gift of another year of life and the best gift of all...a peaceful soul, and quiet heart, and the hope, the hope we all have right now for great things to come...
Thursday, June 19, 2014
Kensie's 3rd Birthday
Sweet Kensie's life is so intertwined with Nick's for me. I was 6 months pregnant with her when Nick was diagnosed. Even my labor induction with her was scheduled around Nick's in-patient chemo. Before she was too mobile, I used to bring her with us to the hospital with Nick because he said "I like it better when she's here." When she first learned how to give kisses, she couldn't stop herself. She kissed everyone...frequently. Her "Kensie Kisses" brought light and love to rooms filled with poison and fear.
Today, Kensie turned 3. I was prepared to reminisce. Like when we were remembering how she stopped breathing--twice--during her first day of life and had to spend the night in the nursery for observation. Or when we were looking at her newborn photos and the photos of her second birthday. I think every mom feels a little melancholy over how fast time flies when their little ones have a birthday or graduation or wedding or whatever milestone they reach that punctuates how these babies grow up and away far faster than a mother would like.
When Kensie has a birthday, my mind jumps right back to where we were when she was born. Being pregnant, her low amniotic fluid, her birth, having a newborn to love and care for...They were all concepts that I couldn't fully grasp at the time. My whole heart. My whole head. My whole being was dedicated to Nick. I wish she had been born to a mother who could plan a layette and buy make a scrapbook and clean the house to nest for her. Despite having 8 children before her, the experience of pregnancy felt foreign and surreal.
Even though I feel guilt and loss for not fully appreciating her pregnancy and early days, she never noticed a thing. She burst into the world full of love and spunk and life. She embraced us and supported us, all of us--but especially Nick, innocently and passionately. I can't think about Kensie at any stage of her life and not laugh...She is such a spark plug and brings our family so much energy and joy.
Drifting back in time made me remember the baby clothes and gifts people gave us for Kensie before she arrived. Which made me remember the garage sale our school friends organized to benefit our family. Which made me remember the t-shirts one of the parents made for the event. Which made me remember the kids who shaved their heads...some over and over...to support Nick as he lost his hair to radiation and chemo. Mostly, I am always amazed that these parents allowed, and probably even pushed, their kids to support Nick...play with him...embrace him...At a time when many would run away. I imagine there was fear for these families that Nick would die, and the closer their child was to him, the more that would damage their own child. But these friends and their parents didn't flinch. One family in particular shaved their sons hair over and over again all through treatment and beyond. They came to the hospital and took Nick on vacation with them. They drew him closer during treatment and continue to hold him close today. I feel that so deeply...that kindness...It overwhelms me sometimes.
Remembering the bittersweet early months of her life is leaving me a little raw. I hate to remember the fear and the pain and the anger that took over my heart while Nick was in treatment. I hate to remember that Nick was sick. I hate to remember that Nick could get sick again.
But the joy, the light. I hold onto that today and every day of Kensie's life. That is Kensie's gift, our gift. Love. Hope. Grace. I will never fully understand God's plan, but I celebrate Kensie's birthday and her life with a grateful heart--sentimental and wounded--but very grateful.
Happy Birthday Kensie Rosie Baby!
Today, Kensie turned 3. I was prepared to reminisce. Like when we were remembering how she stopped breathing--twice--during her first day of life and had to spend the night in the nursery for observation. Or when we were looking at her newborn photos and the photos of her second birthday. I think every mom feels a little melancholy over how fast time flies when their little ones have a birthday or graduation or wedding or whatever milestone they reach that punctuates how these babies grow up and away far faster than a mother would like.
Even though I feel guilt and loss for not fully appreciating her pregnancy and early days, she never noticed a thing. She burst into the world full of love and spunk and life. She embraced us and supported us, all of us--but especially Nick, innocently and passionately. I can't think about Kensie at any stage of her life and not laugh...She is such a spark plug and brings our family so much energy and joy.
Drifting back in time made me remember the baby clothes and gifts people gave us for Kensie before she arrived. Which made me remember the garage sale our school friends organized to benefit our family. Which made me remember the t-shirts one of the parents made for the event. Which made me remember the kids who shaved their heads...some over and over...to support Nick as he lost his hair to radiation and chemo. Mostly, I am always amazed that these parents allowed, and probably even pushed, their kids to support Nick...play with him...embrace him...At a time when many would run away. I imagine there was fear for these families that Nick would die, and the closer their child was to him, the more that would damage their own child. But these friends and their parents didn't flinch. One family in particular shaved their sons hair over and over again all through treatment and beyond. They came to the hospital and took Nick on vacation with them. They drew him closer during treatment and continue to hold him close today. I feel that so deeply...that kindness...It overwhelms me sometimes.
Remembering the bittersweet early months of her life is leaving me a little raw. I hate to remember the fear and the pain and the anger that took over my heart while Nick was in treatment. I hate to remember that Nick was sick. I hate to remember that Nick could get sick again.
But the joy, the light. I hold onto that today and every day of Kensie's life. That is Kensie's gift, our gift. Love. Hope. Grace. I will never fully understand God's plan, but I celebrate Kensie's birthday and her life with a grateful heart--sentimental and wounded--but very grateful.
Happy Birthday Kensie Rosie Baby!
Tuesday, June 17, 2014
Sunrise Strong
Recently, as I both started working on larger fundraisers for the hospital and evaluating whether or not to continue with Mini & Me where and how it exists today (the lease is ending soon...), I decided my fundraising needed to be more organized to be more effective. It needs a name. It needs a business plan. A mission statement. Something people can understand, sympathize with, identify with, and easily recognize by name and logo.
After Nick told me after his brain surgery "This is going to be life changing...But I'm strong," I knew that "STRONG" was my new favorite word...my theme...the name of a foundation if we ever built one. When the time came, our family sat around the computer dreaming up names and checking them against available websites on GoDaddy.com. We finally tossed "Sunrise" into the ring...A symbol of hope and renewal. Bright, happy, warm. And www.sunrisestrong.com was available on GoDaddy.com!! So our foundation was founded...On a Sunday afternoon. In our living room. "Sunrise Strong"
So far, we've hosted a lemonade stand at Mini & Me (www.miniandmeboutique.com)
And we've started a GoFundMe.com page--http://www.gofundme.com/SunriseStrong
We even filmed for a promotional video yesterday with the awesome Christina Fleming of Murasaki Media!
We still need a logo and non-profit paperwork filed, but we have amazing friends willing to work on both projects for us...pro bono. I sometimes feel like I've put the cart in front of the horse, things are coming together so quickly. But things that are meant to be sometimes do that...They just click and work and get started quickly and smoothly. I pray every day that Sunrise Strong will be that foundation that grows easily and quickly and provides comfort and support for decades and decades for families struggling through hardships caused by childhood cancer.
Nick and I and JoAnn Sloan went to Rady's with our first load of official Sunrise Strong donations yesterday. We talked to Andie, a child life specialist, and we're a little clearer on the needs at the hospital. We look forward to working more with Rady's and eventually hospitals across the country.
And no, I don't know the future of Mini & Me...We will continue to exist as a web store, but I'm not sure if we will continue to have a store front presence in San Diego. Ideally, I will be able to rent a more industrial space that is larger than the store front we have now. We need space for storage and distribution. We need a workroom. And if we can have a small retail showroom, too, that would be awesome! Stay tuned on that project...
And while I'm thinking about it--San Diego folks, please mark your calendars--AJ from Energy 103.7 will be going up in the Crane for AJ'S KIDS on November 7th in the IKEA parking lot in Mission Valley. He lives in the crane for a week until he collects at least 100,000 toys for Rady's kids every year. This year, on November 8th, his morning show producer, Hula Ramos, is hosting the first "Babyfest at the Crane" from 10:00-2:00. I'm helping coordinate vendors and entertainers, and this event will be AWESOME!!! Please join us!!
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)