Kensie's 3rd Birthday

Sweet Kensie's life is so intertwined with Nick's for me.  I was 6 months pregnant with her when Nick was diagnosed.  Even my labor induction with her was scheduled around Nick's in-patient chemo.  Before she was too mobile, I used to bring her with us to the hospital with Nick because he said "I like it better when she's here."  When she first learned how to give kisses, she couldn't stop herself.  She kissed everyone...frequently.  Her "Kensie Kisses" brought light and love to rooms filled with poison and fear. 

Today, Kensie turned 3.  I was prepared to reminisce.  Like when we were remembering how she stopped breathing--twice--during her first day of life and had to spend the night in the nursery for observation.  Or when we were looking at her newborn photos and the photos of her second birthday.  I think every mom feels a little melancholy over how fast time flies when their little ones have a birthday or graduation or wedding or whatever milestone they reach that punctuates how these babies grow up and away far faster than a mother would like.

When Kensie has a birthday, my mind jumps right back to where we were when she was born.  Being pregnant, her low amniotic fluid, her birth, having a newborn to love and care for...They were all concepts that I couldn't fully grasp at the time.  My whole heart.  My whole head.  My whole being was dedicated to Nick.  I wish she had been born to a mother who could plan a layette and buy make a scrapbook and clean the house to nest for her.  Despite having 8 children before her, the experience of pregnancy felt foreign and surreal. 

Even though I feel guilt and loss for not fully appreciating her pregnancy and early days, she never noticed a thing.  She burst into the world full of love and spunk and life.  She embraced us and supported us, all of us--but especially Nick, innocently and passionately.  I can't think about Kensie at any stage of her life and not laugh...She is such a spark plug and brings our family so much energy and joy.

Drifting back in time made me remember the baby clothes and gifts people gave us for Kensie before she arrived.  Which made me remember the garage sale our school friends organized to benefit our family.  Which made me remember the t-shirts one of the parents made for the event.  Which made me remember the kids who shaved their heads...some over and over...to support Nick as he lost his hair to radiation and chemo.  Mostly, I am always amazed that these parents allowed, and probably even pushed, their kids to support Nick...play with him...embrace him...At a time when many would run away.  I imagine there was fear for these families that Nick would die, and the closer their child was to him, the more that would damage their own child.  But these friends and their parents didn't flinch.  One family in particular shaved their sons hair over and over again all through treatment and beyond.  They came to the hospital and took Nick on vacation with them.  They drew him closer during treatment and continue to hold him close today.  I feel that so deeply...that kindness...It overwhelms me sometimes. 

Remembering the bittersweet early months of her life is leaving me a little raw.  I hate to remember the fear and the pain and the anger that took over my heart while Nick was in treatment.  I hate to remember that Nick was sick.  I hate to remember that Nick could get sick again.

But the joy, the light.  I hold onto that today and every day of  Kensie's life.  That is Kensie's gift, our gift.  Love.  Hope.  Grace. I will never fully understand God's plan, but I celebrate Kensie's birthday and her life with a grateful heart--sentimental and wounded--but very grateful. 

Happy Birthday Kensie Rosie Baby!

positive enough?

If you're a beach person, you know how it feels to be tumbled in a wave and to feel that instant of panic and confusion when you don't know which way is sky and which way is ocean floor.  You need to breath, and you're uncertain if you will find the surface to gasp for air.  That is how our life has felt to me for much longer than an instant. 

Our once almost stereotypical middle class predictability was replaced with uncertainty the day Nick was diagnosed with cancer.  Uncertainty makes me angry.  Cancer makes me angry.  Especially in kids.  Especially in my kid.  So I've been angry.  A lot.

I like to think of myself as an optimist, but these last three years...they've worn me down, and I often feel tired...and frustrated...and confused...and yes, here it is again, angry.

Expecting my life to bloom from this dark place is like expecting a flower seed to grow in the middle of a rock.  I cannot cultivate friendships, dream with my children, or grown my business from here.

Honestly, I wish I could find my peace and my positivity in my faith, in God.  Unfortunately
(please don't judge, especially if you haven't been a cancer mom), I am still struggling with my faith and with finding my church home...And while I believe, and I pray, and I know God is there for me even when I can't see Him...I need more tools and more crutches right now, even practical exercises, to turn the sunshine on in my daily life.

Enter "The Secret."  I haven't read the book or seen the movie, but our babysitter saw the movie and introduced its (paraphrased) theories to me last week.  It sounded like positive thought combined with a grateful heart could bring you anything you could possibly ask for...money, fame, friends...anything, so why not give positive thinking a try?  For a week now, I have worked on learning more about the power of positive vs. negative energy and have observed their powers in my own life.   

Based on my limited research on the "laws of attraction" and positive attracting positive, negative attracting negative, I've decided a couple things...1)  Asking for what you want is not magic...You won't magically have a Maserati show up on your doorstep just because you tossed that request out to the universe, but it does help you get what you want because it organizes you.  It's easier to get what you want if you identify and define what you want.  2)  Positive does attract positive.  Your world is your mirror.  If you are putting angry and negative vibes out to the people around you, you are likely to get the same back.

I am working really, really hard to be positive.  Re-phrasing verbal statements.  Choosing to be grateful in every moment (ie. "Thank you God that I have a car to be breaking down right now.  Some people don't have cars at all.")  I try to help my kids identify their negativity and re-frame and re-define their situations with positivity and gratefulness.  I am being clear and concise and sincere in my requests to the universe, and I focus positive thought beams onto those wants as often as I think about them during the day. 

Let's be real though...I cannot possibly transform from exhausted, skeptical, and (dare I say) negative to a joyous Pollyanna in only a few days, so while my efforts are commendable (really, really working hard here), I still get angry when something breaks or the house is a mess, feel negative when the alarm goes off 2 hours before I want to wake up in the morning, and feel frustrated when I look at my bank account.  My automatic reactions are not always (or even frequently) positive, and when I catch myself being negative, I feel guilty for not having a more positive response.  Ironically, positivity has caused a new problem for me. 

As many people (women, mothers, in particular) are, I am a not enough'er.  I am not thin enough, rich enough, smart enough, kind enough, generous enough, pretty enough...I play the "not enough" tape on endless re-play in my head every day and have done so for as long as I can remember.  Contrary to what most psychologists would say, I don't think this is entirely a bad thing...If I was completely satisfied with myself, what would I strive for?  Maybe this is another essay (debate?!?!) altogether, but I think my feelings of inadequacy have often prodded me along to work harder to be better...As though "enough" is a tangible, reachable finish line.

My new positivity campaign gave me one more thing to be not enough of...I am not positive enough. The thought of not being enough causes me stress which causes me negativity which causes me guilt for not being positive which causes stress...See that cycle starting?  Yep.  That's where I am right now.

Do I keep going?  Should I keep studying the theories of attraction and positive energy and throwing wishes into the universe?  Examining every reaction to every thought, feeling, and situation I ever have?  As I sit here considering whether positive really is so much better than negative, wondering if  I'm just giving myself one more thing to worry about and be frustrated by...Kensie is crawling into my lap (with as much grace as a Great Dane trying to be a lap dog), grabbing my typing hand and saying "hold my hand."  Choosing to be grateful to have the world's most adorable 2 year old girl loving me and wanting to sit with me instead of being annoyed that she knocked my computer cord out and interrupted the writing of this blog post, I get to hear "Me like your hand...Love you much..."  As I stop typing and tell her I love her, she curls up and falls asleep snuggled into my side.  If being more positive brings more love and more moments like these to my life, then this energy experiment is definitely good enough to keep going with!