hope.

I have struggled for weeks to write.  As Nick's two year anniversary of his diagnosis approached, was "celebrated," then passed, I wanted to write...I wanted to scream...rejoice...cry...grieve...dream...I was just paralyzed with emotion.  I had days when I couldn't catch my breath.  I used to do that as a child.  Once, I made my mom take me to the doctor because I thought I had a medical problem.  I didn't have asthma or any other breathing disorder.  It's a feeling disorder.  When I feel too much, my lungs won't fill with air, and that's how the last few weeks have gone...

Of course, my life never affords me the luxury of a singular focus, so while I was processing my PTSD over Nick's cancer, I was also welcoming artists and new decor and new employees and new products into the store.  For a few precious moments, I felt blessed with boundless possibility for the store's success and the blossoming relationships I was forming. 

As the anniversary passed, I felt it in my home life, too...I had some days when I remembered who I used to be and how I used to feel.  I haven't always woken up with a vice pressing the sides of my skull in on my brain.  I haven't always let "what if" stop my planning and dreaming. 

As today unfolded, it went from bad, to worse, to devastating...I wanted to come here to vent.  I wanted to whine about people letting me down and cutting me down and being careless with me.  I wanted to document my pain, my disappointment, my confusion...My "why????"

Driving down the 56 freeway tonight, a slogan jumped into my head like a blinking billboard or a song that got stuck on "repeat" in my head..."Choose Hope."  Hope.  I had so much hope, but all the hopes I had nurtured in the past couple weeks had crumbled into defeat today.  "Choose hope."  I did!  And I lost.  I put too much hope in the wrong things and the wrong people, and I was feeling sad.

The funny truth is, as Alexander Pope said, "Hope springs eternal..."  Tomorrow, I realized, I will find, without having to search for it, something new to hope for.  God gave us humans a gift that is endlessly renewable.  No matter how big or small our lives are and our possibilities are, we hope for something good.  We hope for peace.  We hope for wealth.  We hope for love.  We hope for better...better than what we know...better than where we are...better than who we are...For now, I just hope tomorrow is better than today, but I am heading to bed with a sense of gratefulness and wonder for this endless portal to possibility.