best gift ever

When people asked me what I wanted for my birthday this year, I mentioned a couple things like a cool hat I saw online or a pair of new shoes.  From the morning the sun peeked through the windows this morning to this moment as I fight to keep my heavy lids from closing before I'm done with this post, I have had a beautiful, special, noteworthy, loving birthday.  The kids were thoughtful in their gift shopping and doting in their care for me all day and night.  Mike arranged for a pizza dinner at home with family, and it was fun and funny, and it was, as Dylan said, "...an awesome party!"

The sweetest gift came last night though.  I took several of the kids to a certain favorite trendy has everything you could ever want under one roof superstore, and we saw back to school clothes and supplies.  Yes, it's July.  Yes, it's early to think about going back to school, but we were there...and the store was quiet...and we had a couple bucks in the checking account this week...So we shopped for school.  Nick got excited and picked out a big pile of jeans, and shorts, and tees, and we headed to the fitting room.  A couple items were a tad too long or a little bigger than perfect for right now, but I said things like "You'll grow into that." and "It'll fit in a couple months."  Grinning like he just won the lotto, Nick headed out of the dressing room and toward the checkout line feeling good about how he would look on his first day at his new middle school.

Then I realized...I realized that we went through that whole exercise without me thinking about keeping shopping to a minimum in case he was too sick to go to school, or worse, died soon.  For over 3 years, the "what if he dies?" script has run through my head in every situation.  He should spend his Journeys gift card now in case he dies before he can use it all up.  We shouldn't buy more than one set of PE clothes in case he dies and obviously can't go to school anymore.  We shouldn't buy too many expensive shoes in case he dies and doesn't get use of them all.

Even after treatment.  Even after many "clean" MRI's, the script, the fears, the heartache...They flooded my head and my heart in almost every situation involving decisions about the future and how much to invest in Nick's.

Last night, we just shopped for the school year ahead of us.  I didn't think about cancer or death or not having the chance to grow into those jeans.  That moment of peace.  What a gift.  The best gift.  I'm not naive, and I know the cancer could come back.  I know this soul stillness...this glimpse of the old normal vs. the new normal we had to get used to during cancer treatment...could be fleeting.  But for right now, I am celebrating both the gift of another year of life and the best gift of all...a peaceful soul, and quiet heart, and the hope, the hope we all have right now for great things to come...