Cancer brought fear like I've never known and am still afraid to look square in the eye. Cancer exposed me to emotional and physical pain I had spent a lifetime trying to avoid...Nick's pain, my pain, my family's pain, and the pain I witnessed in other patients and their families. Pain that took a lot of courage to expose in my blog entries here. Pain I chose to put away again after months of writing. I don't remember what prompted it, but I stopped writing and pushed "Revert to Draft" on every one of my blog entries. Maybe a part of me thinks that if nobody can see it in print, it will go away. I don't know if or when I will publish those old posts again, but I do know I miss the cathartic effect writing has on me. So here I am...back to the blog...
We're now 8 months post treatment. 8 months of clear MRI's. 8 months of trying to find our way back to a "normal" life...Only this attempt is amidst serious financial trouble and the ever present awareness that the cancer cloud hovers not far above or behind us. Will the cancer return? We don't know. How do we plan lives around that type of uncertainty? Maybe the way we all do...None of us really know what challenges we will face tomorrow or the next day, yet we dream and plan...We all know we will die, but we continue to live.
Lately, I've noticed the sun shining more often. I've seen the colors in flowers. I've had a few clean, clear breaths of fresh air fill my lungs and joyful moments fill my heart. The light is pushing back on the dark now, and I appreciate the times I feel gratefulness, hopefulness, and most importantly, faithfulness.
I've heard it said that faith and fear cannot co-exist. I consider that constantly, and I do believe that's true. During Nick's treatment, I tried desperately to hold onto my faith, but I was mad at God. I doubted his plans, and I feared what cancer would do to Nick. I don't like being a fair weather fan. I struggle...a lot...with the way I wavered in my faith. My faith journey is just that...a journey...with some more bumps in the road than others maybe...but I'm still working on it...Still journeying toward stronger faith, deeper love, and someday, maybe, happiness as a rule rather than an exception.
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| Our enormous Pacific Ocean. This was tonight's sunset in Encinitas, CA. This is where I feel the most at peace and where I'm reminded who is really in charge... |
